There was a fair maiden of Kent
who, following her natural bent,
became the love slave
of a hermit named Dave
who constantly came when she went.
There was a mathematician named Gauss
who was blessed with a lusty young spouse.
She kept right on movin'
as his theorems were proven
and they never departed the house.
There was a lusty young poet named Ricci
who would often go home for a quicci.
At the ultimate stanza
she sighed "this is grand-za",
Now the versemaster's wearing a hicci.
There once was a preacher named Spooner
who often went home for a "nooner".
While his wife he was laying,
his "life he was weighing",
which made him come later than sooner.
There once was a man from Helsinki
who fell head over heels for a twinkie.
He thought he had died
when the white stuff inside
erupted and covered his binkie.
There was a prodigal priest from Miami
who fell in love with a stripper named Tammy.
She billed and she cooed
and she stripped to the nude
while the prurient padre said "Damn me".
A respectable Brahmin from Boston
liked his whores covered with frostin'
so he'd lick their slick bods,
pawk his caw in their yawds,
never dreaming how much it was costin'.
There once was a girl from Orlando
who fell in love with an actor named Brando
"darlin'" said she
makes our love life feel slightly less grand-o.
There once was a girl of DesMoines
who had an aching fire in her groin.
One night while quite tipsy
she made love to a gypsy
and awoke with a smoked tenderloin.
There once was a bushman of Namibia
who ate reptiles and worms and amphibia
while glibly adlibbing
and ribbing his sibling
he fell over and fractured his tibia
A woman of Bosnia-Herze-
govina who never wore shirts
caused a scene when she wore
just a skirt, nothing more
to dinner at Ernie and Bert's.
A cheerleader from Big "D" in Texas
made love in the back of a Lexus.
On third down and ten
she scored once again,
she thinks football is better than sex is.
I once dated a girl from Duluth
who revealed in a moment of truth
that her sex had been changed
all her parts rearranged
and she once was named Ralph and not Ruth.
A movie star dancer named Fred
wouldn't stop dancing in bed.
He waltzed and he tapped
till at last Ginger snapped
"Stop dancing! Let's make love instead."
Count Dracula dressed in his tux
represents a paradox and this is its crux -
the story you heard
about life sucking is absurd
it's a lie - first you die then life sucks.
A very thin man from Tahiti
tried to make Roseanne his sweetie
She said "Listen my friend
I don't mean to offend
but I'd prefer something a little more meaty."
Jason and the crew of the Argo
all bedded a hooker named Margo.
They were all in such heat
they missed the island of Crete
and sailed all the way to Key Largo.
Snow White was a maiden who once
shared quarters with seven stout runts.
She claimed to be pure
but I'm not so sure
Each night you'd hear seven loud grunts.
Cape Cod Piece - Limerick 19
A transsexual man of Cape Cod
felt a woman was trapped in his bod.
One day he began
to develop a plan
for freeing the unhappy broad.
A transsexual girl of Cape Ann
dreamed of becoming a man.
She thought it quite odd
that she hadn't a rod
for she wanted to delve and not span.
As fortune would have it, these two
fell in love quite out of the blue.
Love conquered their hearts
so they swapped all their parts
and they figured what's what and who's who.
There once was a woman from Hadley
who wanted a lover so madly
that she tried to expand
an inflatable man
who exploded and injured her badly.
There once was a hooker from Shiloh
made a house call to a farmer named Milo.
They made hay in the loft
ate some beef stroganoff
then encored on the floor of the silo.
I went out with a masseuse named Nancy.
Our prospects for love were quite chancy.
She mixed business and play
And rubbed me the wrong way,
things improved when she tickled my fancy.
There once was a girl from East Lansing
Who found studying less than entrancing
Till she started to cram
For the entrance exam
Now she gets perfect grades in lap dancing.
Psycho - Limerick 24
Young Norman from the Motel Bates
was known to slash more than the rates.
As he cut and plundered
the poor boy wondered
Why he had such bad luck getting dates.
Once a young girl checked in for the night
so pleasing to look at, so slight.
Said the beautiful flower
I need a room with a shower.
He said I can fix you just right
Through a two-way mirror he grooved
as each item of clothes was removed.
He'd had girls in the past
but his love wouldn't last
because Mother had never approved.
So he lived with his mom on the hill.
He would die for his mom or he'd kill.
As the girl was dismembered
the young man remembered
his mom and it gave him a thrill.
A Gestapo stormtrooper from Munich
carried a gun stashed deep in his tunic.
One morning he coughed
and the damn thing went off
which rendered the nazi a eunuch.
There once was a mouse girl named Minnie
who eloped with a wharf rat named Vinnie.
Mickey, she said,
while being OK in bed,
was too small and his voice was too tinny.
A virgin there was named Lavinia
who made love with a man from Virginia.
He said "that was nice
but please take this advice -
It's better if you let me get inia."
There once was a Scotsman named Sandy
who by nature was thrifty and randy
but rather than pay
hard cold cash for a lay
he resorted to liquor and candy.
There once was a man of Zimbabwe
with an unusual thingamabobwe
so long and so pointed
it sliced, diced and disjointed
and also made a mean shishkebabwe.
There once was a tourist named Elly
who dated the prince of New Delhi.
On a night warm and starry
he unwrapped her sari
And had quite a view of nude Elly.
A man who spoke only Swahili
was trying to get touchy-feely
with a girl whom he felt
would make love on the veldt
or at least on a mattress by Sealy.
There once was a man of Jakarta
who was known as a flatulent farter.
The poor Indonesions
endured sores and lesions,
the farts smelled like garlic - but tarter.
There once was a man in a turban
who drank so much Tennessee bourbon
that his head became bloated
and finally exploded
which makes this tale more than disturbin'.
There once was a woman from Macon
who knew how to bring home the bacon.
She put pork in her bun
slowly turned till it's done
and the farm boys couldn't tell she was fakin'.
A man who piled beans on his waffle
had farts that smelled much worse than awful.
When he added some fruit
you'd hear the first toot
before he had more than a jawful.
The congress has made it unlawful
for a man to pile beans on his waffle
but if the man's smart
and has beans in his heart
he will pile them on pate foie gras'ful.
There once was a girl from Augusta -
(The history books often discussed her).
She had fornication
with the whole Indian nation
which inspired them to eradicate Custer.
There once was a boy from Los Cruces
who loved to give other boys gooses
but one day he goosed
a martial artist named Bruce
and now the boy's covered with bruises.
There once was a woman from Terre Haute
Who fell madly in love with a billy goat
She so loved the beast
She didnít mind in the least
When he swallowed her mittens and overcoat
There once was a centaur named Billy
who fell head over hooves for a filly.
She did well in a race,
but she wore a long face
which he felt made her look rather silly.
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